Electric Run - SUCCESS!

I can't believe I haven't posted in over 2 weeks!  I have been so busy! 

First item - this Saturday will be 8 weeks since I have quit smoking....I am soooo glad I have kicked that habit!  I can just imagine how much harder working out would be if I hadn't!

Second - I know I mentioned my dad in my last post...he had a CAT scan done last week - still don't know the results but I am doing a little better emotionally.  Everything is back on track! 

I am still sitting at 25 pounds down....I am really hoping it will be 27 pounds come Friday!!!!!  I was stuck at 20 pounds for the month of Feb and Mar....hit 25 the first week of  April, hit a road bump....so I am hoping this is the week to break through!

FINALLY - I ran my second 5k last Saturday!  I had a blast...was more mentally prepared for this one so it was more enjoyable! I started out rocking the pink....but changed into the race t-shirt when I got it...should have left the pink on though....easier to see in the dark!  LOL!

 I have the best friends....I made it clear to everyone that they DID NOT need to stay with me!  I have been having alot of issues with my asthma because of allergies so I already knew it was going to be a struggle to finish faster than my first 5K!  I also was coming off an old ankle injury flare up - so I wasn't sure how my ankle was going to do since I did NOTHING last week to prepare out of fear of hurting it.  It was at night, it was dark, there were potholes and stupid people throwing glow sticks and THIS GIRL was trying really hard to trip and fall!!!!!

I finished in 43 minutes - which is roughly 5+ minutes faster than my color run in March!  These races didn't track official times so it was hard to get an accurate time - but that is what my Polar told me...I still don't LOVE running....I still walk alot....but I have accepted that my body wasn't designed for running, and it just might take me longer to get to where I can run the whole thing....but I am having a blast trying to get there!

 

Now, I was browsing through my race photos and wanted to share a little side by side with you....

The pictures on the left are from my Color Run on March 2nd, 2013 and the right is from the Electric Run on April 20th, 2013.  Can you believe there is only a 5 pound loss between these?  It looks like so much more!  Well, to me it does.....and if you say no I will hunt you down and junk punch you.  Just kidding, kinda...

Anyways, for all of you who are struggling with the yo-yoing on the scale or a plateau - please remember to take pictures every couple of weeks....this is the affirmation I needed to see, not the number on that lying whore of a scale!

Bad News = Bad Food

So, I am up 3 pounds from last week...no biggie...I am still under my plateau number and I know why I am up.  This week has sucked balls for the most part and I have managed to push off the emotional eating up until last night!

Due to a very tight budget I had to modify my grocery list for the week which left us eating cheaper, unhealthy foods....well, sort of...we had whole wheat pasta, tacos, stir fry and instead of going to the grocery store last night I opted for the "I don't feel like cooking - lets eat out" and had Taco Bell.  Then today for lunch I ate a Turkey BLT and a small side of fries and COMPLETELY skipped breakfast.  I am already getting the "I don't want to go to the gym tonight" blues as well....

I got word yesterday that my dad, who has been really sick lately, had some x-rays of his lungs done as a follow up from a recent hospital stay and they found a black spot.  My mind immediately goes to "FUCK - It's cancer!!!!"  He already has emphysema and a flat diagram....COPD....smokes at least 2 packs a day...so of course this is where my mind goes!  He gets chest x-rays done alot because of his pre-existing conditions so we already know what it is not. 

Anyways...I am really struggling with this for a few different reasons.  I lost my mom in 2004 to a sudden and massive stroke....and my MIL lives over 10 hours away and my dad is really the only grandparent my daughter has ever known...she spends lots of time at his house and just loves him!  I am not ready to deal with a grieving kid just yet!  My grandpa (dad's dad) passed at 64 years of cancer and my uncle passed recently...also in his early sixties of cancer too...my dad is 61 and with a family medical history like his the outlook is grim.  So, mentally I am preparing myself for the worst...I will get my grieving process started so I can hold my shit together if/when the time comes....I also will have my grandmother to take care of when this all happens, she has dementia and is 93 and I swear she will live forever!  I use to joke with my dad that she would probably out live all of us....looks like that might just happen!  I am also a Daddy's girl and the thought of not having him around anymore just breaks my heart...but I also know he is very sick and I have seen him struggle to breathe more this past year than I see myself struggling and I have asthma...he can't even make it up and down his stairs.  He is so damn stubborn that he refuses to give up smoking even though he knows it is killing him...he just has no desire for life and that hurts even more!  I have tried EVERYTHING in the book to change his outlook on life.  *sigh*
I have a party to go tomorrow and Saturday so I know I will go over my calories anyway so I am not trippin - I have still been working out and doing good on that front.  I am trying to keep going because normally I would just go home and go to bed and sleep until the next day so I wouldn't have to think about it. 

I am so glad I have quit smoking and am making healthy changes, I don't ever want my family to have to watch me suffer like my dad is....I don't want to see them suffer emotionally over my poor choices and unhealthy lifestyle either so this motivates me to keep going in my quest for just an overall healthy state of living.

Hug your loved ones ~ you never know when it is going to be their last day, or yours.

XOXO

Back in the Game Bitches!

WOW!  That is all I can say....I am so proud of myself for not giving up!  This week I did EVERYTHING I said I was going to do!  And ya know what!!!!  I am DOWN 4 pounds past my stinking plateau!

This was what I screamed like when I stepped on the scale yesterday!  HOLLA!  Down 25 pounds OFFICIALLY!

Below are my progress pics!

Hard work is paying off!  Can't wait to see the results next month!

And....to celebrate breaking the plateau...I busted this out this morning....

Did week 1 day 2 and 3....BAM!

Just keep swimming ya'll!

~ MUAH ~

Who runs that fast?

I have been trying to "run" for almost 4 months now...and I just feel like I am not getting anywhere.  I mean, I see some improvement but for some reason I feel like I should be farther along. 

I went to the gym last night and ran on the treadmill for the first time in 3 weeks.  And I am sure I sound like a broken record with this...but I just couldn't breathe.  In January I was able to do at least 10 minutes of jogging...last night the longest was 2 minutes.  I almost passed out from the lack of oxygen.  Also, skinny chick jamming at a speed of an 8 next to me made me want to leave!  I could see her side eyeing me and my 4 and the fact that I had to keep slowing down.  All I kept seeing in my head was this happening to her because she was running with her phone in her hand and kept playing around with it!

I did 2 miles in 40 minutes.  I know I am faster outside, but only because I walk faster than I do on the treadmill.  I wanted to cry.  I got in the car and I had to hold back the tears.  I want SO VERY BADLY to be able to run just a fucking MILE!  I want it!  I know if I keep at it, someday I will...I just thought that 4 months into this journey that I would be closer. 

So, here is my NEW plan of action!  I know it is allergy season and this makes my asthma ten times worse.  So, along with my other commitments I am making for the month of April...I need to add that I am going to be DILIGENT in taking ALL my asthma meds!  What do I take?

            1) Advair - twice a day
            2) Combivent - twice a day
            3)  Albuterol - rescue inhaler, take it at least 4 times a day
            4) Singulair - before bed
            5) Claritin - twice a day

And if you think this is alot I use to have a nebulizer for breathing treatments - I haven't had to use it in about 5 years, in fact I threw it out during our move 2 years ago.  Also, the Dr. took me off of Flovent a few months ago...I think at one point in time I was suppose to be taking 8 different medications.  Key word being SUPPOSE TO.....

Usually only #2 and #3 are the only ones I take...if I am running outside I will take #1 about 20 minutes before.  I just REALLY hate being dependent on medication to function.  But, I guess if I am going to make this shit happen I need to do this!

So, I am going back to C25K....I am no longer running in the Bay to Breakers so I can ditch the 10K trainer for now.  I will finish this bad boy if it kills me!

Commitments

After no results on the scale the last month and a half - I had a mini melt down and took a "vacation" from working out...sort of!  I have been still trying to run outside and eating "OK". 


My daughters' softball season started last week and she has two practices during the week which TOTALLY threw off my workout schedule and meals!  That coupled with my frustration on the scale caused me to eat my emotions last Saturday for the first time in a long time.  I felt like shit the next day!  But it left me to start looking at what I have been doing, what has been working, what hasn't and exploring other methods.

The first thing I KNOW I MUST DO is TRACK!  No, not running track...but tracking my food!  I have about 20 excuses as to why I don't do it...mainly I don't want to live my life tracking what I eat and wanted to be able to do this with out doing so....but, in the end I think I have not been eating ENOUGH.  Weird, right!!!!  I feel like all I do is eat....but calorie wise it is not enough.  I also know I have not been eating enough protein. 

Second, I need more water!  I try really hard to drink water...but I hate water!  No taste at all....So, I am going to measure out exactly how much I need to be drinking and force myself to drink it all....

Third, I need to push myself in my workouts more and I think I need more of a routine...not just "Oh, I will do this today...."  So, again I need to start PLANNING my workouts in more detail a week at a time at least!

Finally....I need to stick with this shit!  I have a bad habit of not finishing things (except for wine, I can finish a bottle of wine!)  I am literally going to start planning out my entire life a week at a time - hour for hour - and hang it up where I can see it!!!!!  My ADD doesn't allow for me to track shit in my head anymore...I forget things left and right and don't remember until I am about to fall asleep...and lets face it, once my ass is in bed the only thing that will get me up is either A) John Rzeznik nekkid at my door or B) my house is on fire....

So, I am committing to do the following for the Month of April...
        1)  Meal Planning for the week each Friday for the upcoming week (M-Sun)
        2)  Workout Planning for the week each Friday for the upcoming week
        3)  Before & After pictures & measurements (I promise to post these results )
        4)  Consume between 1700 - 2100 calories/day and drink 112 oz. of water/day
        5)  Post at least once a week to my blog!!!!

I will end on a positive note:

The old me would not have just taken a "vacation" - I would have quit and gained the 25 pounds back that I worked so hard to lose!  So I deserve a pat on the back for not giving up!  We all get to that point where we want to give up....sometimes it might take longer to evaluate what is going wrong...but we need to just keep moving forward! 

Also, I was looking through some IG pics from December and I noticed that it took me almost 20 minutes to do a mile....I think my mile is currently at 15 min (on a good day) now...I am proud of that 5 minutes I have shaved off because I am NOT a runner, my body was not designed for running...I struggle with my asthma EVERY TIME I GO OUTSIDE to run, I have even cried on a run because I was so frustrated with my body for not letting me do what my mind wants me to do....I do need to keep pushing myself because I do get a little freaked out when I get an attack and tend to talk myself out of a lot of the run or modifying what I set out to do...I need to STOP that and DO WHAT I SAY I AM GOING TO DO...it is OKAY if I need to walk.  I just need to only walk until I catch my breath and then START RUNNING AGAIN!  I want to be able to run a WHOLE MILE with out stopping.  I don't even care about the time!

I GOT THIS!


Have a Fabulous Friday Loves!

Craptastic Day

I am going to blame my shitty day on PMS!  

Last night I took my 12 week progress pics...and in the process I deleted my very first before pic!  UGH!  I have a copy of it in a collage....but it is now gone forever!  Not to mention the fact that I have not lost a single pound since Feb. 1st and I can not see much of a difference...the hubs said my butt is smaller and my legs look smaller...but I need my gut to shrink!  It is not good having skinny legs when I can't even go down a full, solid pants size!  I don't want to look like a pig on stilts!  This is why so many times before I lose motivation and go back to doing nothing....I am on the verge of this pattern again!  I almost even deleted my blog....I have just been beside myself for about a week and was waiting to take the pictures to see if there was a difference....so it was a HUGE disappointment for me!

So, skip to today....All I have been thinking about today is quitting my job and how to still make ends meet!  Long story for another day (and just in case anyone from work is reading this....I don't need any problems!)....I am just DONE!  I don't hate my job, I just can't stand to breathe the same air as a few folks there.  I am burned out!

The whole way home from work I just kept thinking about my run....I was going to do 2 miles and W4D1 of my 10K trainer.  Figured that would put me in a better mood.  NOT SO MUCH!  First, I realized about 5 minutes in that I forgot to start my Polar FT4....Then, my asthma sucked balls today....I couldn't run for more than 2 minutes at a time...I had to stop early too because it was starting to get painful to breathe.  So I only got 1.5 miles in.  Then, I decided to skip the gym...just not feeling it, ya know.

If one more person tells me it is muscle I am just going to throw myself on the ground and cry until I vomit!  When you are as big and fluffy as me....the muscle building shouldn't impact the scale until you get around 180....and I am far from it!

So, now that I am done feeling sorry for myself....I am just going to brush myself off and hope tomorrow is a better day!

Breakfast!

I suck really bad at breakfast during the work week....I never have enough time to make anything and Bananas and yogurt go quick in my house.  I found these recipes on pinterest and decided to give it a shot....this way breakfast will not  be skipped!


The first thing I made was Oatmeal Breakfast Bars - no sugar or flower added...well, sort of.

INGREDIENTS
1 1/2 cups of Quick or Old Fashion Oatmeal
2 ripe bananas (mash until creamy)
1 cup of unsweetened applesauce
1/3 cup of raisins (I opted for a mixture of cranberries, dried pomegranate seeds and chocolate chips.  But you could really add anything you like)
1/4 cup of chopped walnuts (I opted for cashews on the tops..I am not a fan of walnuts)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 tsp cinnamon (I used about 2 because I love cinnamon!)

Directions
1)  Preheat heat oven to 350 degrees.

2)  Mix vanilla extract & cinnamon into the applesauce.
3)  Blend applesauce mixture with all other ingredients & let sit for 10 minutes
4)  Drop dough, by spoonfuls, onto a cookie sheet & flatten cookies into long rectangles.
5)  Bake approx. 20 - 30 minutes, or until golden & done.

Here is my finished Product!  They are a little on the chewy side....I just piled them into a Tupperware container and left them on the counter.  I made 12 good size bars, about the size of my palm.


My next adventure was to find something my daughter would eat for breakfast....I am trying to get her to eat more veggies.  So, I tried out Chocolate Zucchini Muffins....and these were a hit!  In fact, I just made them yesterday and they are almost gone!

INGREDIENTS

1½ cups white whole wheat flour
1 cup all purpose flour
2½ tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2 tsp instant coffee crystals
¾ cup sugar
¾ cup brown sugar
½ tsp ginger
1½ tsp cinnamon
5 ounces Semi-Sweet chocolate, melted
1 cup extra virgin olive oil
4 large eggs
2 tsp pure vanilla extract
4 cups shredded zucchini
1 cups dark chocolate chips

  Directions
1)  Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
2)  In large bowl, mix together flours, baking soda, baking powder, salt, instant coffee, sugar, brown sugar, ginger and cinnamon.  Set off to the side.
3)  In medium bowl, Whisk together oil, eggs and vanilla for about 2 minutes.
4)  Slightly press zucchini to drain some of the juice off. You don't want it to be too dry...but just get as much as you can out.
5)  Add zucchini to dry ingredients and toss to coat.
6)  Pour melted chocolate into bowl with dry ingredients and mix well.
7)  Add oil  and egg mixture and mix well.
8)  Using a large spoon, fill muffin tins or muffin pan.
9)  Bake in top third of preheated oven at 425 degrees for 11 minutes.
10)  Turn oven down to 325 degrees and continue baking for 11 more minutes. (Do not open the oven!)
11)  Remove from oven and let cool for 5 minutes.

They are DELICIOUS!  My daughter LOVED them - and these are way healthier than sugar coated cereal or pop tarts!

People Suck!

Before I was fat....I was very social!  I still try to be but it has been hard....I always feel like people are judging me because of my weight! 

So, I started running outdoors, alone....by myself...and as the first week is coming to an end the only thing I enjoy about running outdoors....is that I don't have to hold my farts in!  People SUCK!  Some guy drove by and yelled something at me yesterday.  I have no clue what he said because my music was up so loud I only caught it out of the corner of my eye...but I am pretty fucking sure he wasn't asking for my phone number.  Then...there are those who stare...there were 2 teenager chicks sitting in parked car and I got all self conscious...and my inner paranoid fat girl starts talking to me..."Those girls are making fun of you...turn at this corner, your house is just right there.  QUICK...HIDE...EVERYONE IS STARING.....  OMFG! Why are they looking at you, I bet they are laughing and calling you names.."  And I kept hearing this in my head...over and over and over...

This is my inner struggle...everyone has one!  I really care about what others think of me, even strangers...and the last thing I want is to have my feelings hurt....regardless of who it is.  At least 5 times in the 30 minutes I ran yesterday I just wanted to quit and go home....at least at the gym no one really cares...almost no one anyway....

So, next week I am going to try to get the inner skinny girl to come out...and when the inner fat girl starts in, she needs to say something...like.....UP YOURS!

In other news...I am down a total of 22 pounds!  YAY!  Two more weeks until I get to take my progress pictures and I am CHOMPING at the bit!  I can really tell a difference in my clothes finally!  I am going to go through all my clothes this weekend....maybe take some pics of things that don't quite fit so I have another comparison for when they do...and I know how much people like to see pictures of progress, I know it motivates me.  I can't wait until I get to the point where I actually NEED to buy new clothes!  I have clothes in bins and bags that I haven't been able to wear in almost 10 years...I pulled down a few pairs of jeans that fit about 4 years ago and have been wearing them...some are a little snug still but they fit!!!!  I guess it is kind of like shopping when you pull things out that still have tags on them.

I use to just buy stuff with out trying it on because I didn't want to get upset at the store and ruin everyone's day with my sour puss mood...so needless to say there are still items with tags.

The Stairs of Death!

That is what I call them anyway!  I just have to say....don't let it intimidate you!  I did 30 minutes on the lowest level and burned 250 calories!

Get your butt on it and OWN IT!

In other news...I started and ended the month of February at the same weight!  Frustrating - BUT - I managed to get into some smaller pants at the end of the month!  Remember, it is not just about the number....I am also down 3 pounds so far this month!!! 

My First 5K!

So, I ran in my very first 5K on Saturday. 

My only goal for this race was to NOT finish last...and let me tell you, by the time we crossed the finish line - there were still people lined up to start!  So, I reached my goal!!! 

Advice for color runners - wear a painters mask to avoid getting that stuff up your nose and in your mouth and lungs. I wore a bandanna....that didn't help!



There were so many people that it kinda stressed me out a bit...I need to learn to relax!  My darling husband and daughter were trying to take pictures of me....and I was not cooperating with them...I flipped the camera off every chance I could get...because I A) was struggling to breathe B) Annoyed by all the people in my way and C) I had to pee! 

I love the look on Steph's face in this picture....My hands also look like Shreks' hands they were so swollen....mental note - DRINK MORE WATER THE DAY BEFORE!

 

So, even though I did alot of run/walk/run/walk....I finished about 10 minutes faster than I have been on the treadmill....we don't know our official time, I think it was around 46-48 minutes.

 

 

My poor face is even swollen....Oh, and even though I have lost 20 pounds....I still hate looking at myself in pictures.  I still look like a puff ball!

It was a great experience - and not too bad for my VERY FIRST one...glad it wasn't super competitive.  There were LOTS of walkers which made me a little bit more comfortable.  I am not going to lie though...I hated every minute of the run except for the first 30 seconds and the last 30 seconds....I love BFF to pieces, she stayed with me which made me a little more irritable only because I know she can go faster and I felt like I was holding her back...I probably would have been nicer if I was alone...

So, my next 5K is April 20th...and there will be no colored starch up my nose, in my eyes...this one will be the Electric one.  Glow in the dark sticks and what not!  I am wondering how I am going to get this mess out of my car....since my daughter had to roll around in it RIGHT before we left!

Oh, and I might have lost my fucking mind because I am going to also sign up for the Bay to Breaker in May...which is a 12K - 7.5 miles - and I can't even run 1 mile...I wonder how I am going to do this!  Starting my couch to 10K program this week OUTSIDE - I guess!  Just keep moving forward!

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday

YES!  It is time for my random thoughts on this fine Tuesday morning (or afternoon depending on where you are at!!)


SKINNY GIRLS GET MADE FUN OF TOO!

Okay, so how many fluffy girls have this fear of going to the gym, feeling like you are working your ass off and you get this feeling like a small group of people (or maybe just one skinny biotch) are pointing, giggling and maybe snapping some pictures of you to post into cyber space????  I KNOW I can not be the only one who gets paranoid about this.  Well, last night at the gym there was this teeney-tinay girl JAMMING on the elliptical.  She was going so fast she reminded me of a fairy cause her feet practically were coming off the pedals.  This family - dad, mom and daughter all got on the row of treadmills directly behind "tinkerbelle" (I am going to call her tinkerbelle).  This mom and daughter are making jokes and acting like her on thier treadmills...it really made me mad!  Then, I saw the daughter take out her phone and record tinkerbelle.  She told her mom she would "tag her" in the video!  I was furious!  I felt so bad for tinkerbelle that when I walked by her on my way out of the gym (She was jamming on that thing for AT LEAST an hour cause that is how long I was there) I smiled at her....She smiled back.  I really didn't know what to do...but I just wanted to let all the bigger, fluffy gals out there know that it does happen to skinny people too!

BABY SHOWER MAYHEM!

So, the baby shower I had was a huge success and Mama to be was very happy!  It was a wild and crazy day to say the least!  All the hubby's went golfing - which they are never allowed to go anywhere with out the ball and chain again !  They got shit faced, tipped over carts, threw up on chicks, lost balls everywhere and a few of them passed out once they got in the car to go home!  The boys didn't even finish the game!  Below are a few pics of the from the shower!  I made all the decorations myself ~ and all the food was gluten free!

Here are some pictures

AWESOME Gluten Free Cake!  Different texture, kinda like cornbread ~ but the middle was delicious!  Chocolate!

Home made Mounds balls...these were a hit, and they are very easy to make!

The frickin ducks were drunk!  We could not get them to float in the damn punch bowl to save our lives...



The food!  I highly suggest doing a sandwich bar...very easy and there is something there for everyone!

On to the decor!  The theme was polka dots and lady bugs!  Colors were various shades of purple and yellow!

This last one is hard to see...but there are little lady bugs hanging on all the windows!

I have asked all my friends to A) NOT have any more kids...we are all too damn old for this!  and 2) Do not let me offer to throw any kind of party when I am drinking....  I love my BFF to pieces and while I had help with the food and setting up...these decorations were a pain in my ass.  I knew what I wanted to do but nothing came pre-made!  My wrist hurt so bad from all the cutting and gluing.... 

I do love to entertain my friends though...I like having my house full of close friends, laughing, telling jokes and making memories!  I just don't want to ever have to decorate like this again!

FIRST 5K IS SATURDAY....AND I AM FREAKING THE F OUT!

My first 5K is Saturday and I am stressing the ever-loving F**K out!  Last night was my first time back to the gym in 4 days (I have had a lot of family members trying to die on me...).  Last night I could barely jog for 5 minutes before my asthma started to kick in!  My legs and feet wanted to go but I was gasping for air like I had been holding my breathe under water for 20 minutes!  So, I am just going to have to wear a bandanna over my face on Saturday so no one sees me doing this because you do get a lot of stares....plus it is a color run so I have a reason to wear it over my face.  I was hoping to be farther along than where I am at...but whattareyagonnado????  That's right....CARRY ON!  Wish me luck in that I am not the last bitch crossing the finish line...that is all I really care about! 

8 Week Progress Report

I have been at it for 8 weeks now!  I finally broke through my 3 week plateau and have officially lost 21 pounds since Dec. 15th-ish!  I really struggled mentally last week...I ate like crap over the weekend and I was shocked when I stepped on the scale Monday morning and found that I had broken my plateau!  Weekends have been challenging because we seem to never be home...and I have a REALLY hard time saying no to food...I am good at only having small portions though.  I don't want to tell myself I can't have anything so I have been focusing on portion control for now.  I also know that my stomach has shrank and not as much can fit in there anymore so I pay attention to that satisfied feeling more than ever before...before I would eat until it hurt to sit!

My friend couldn't believe that I put my weight progress chart on instagram.  And honestly, I just don't care anymore.  I am tired of hiding...I have been hiding my weight from only myself.  I figured if I put it out there, and everyone can see it....I can't hide from the ugly truth anymore.  I am tired of hiding in pictures, behind clothes, behind jokes I make about myself and most importantly - hiding behind my asthma and osteoarthritis (I used them as excuse as to why I couldn't do things).  So, here it is...in all it's grotesque glory! 

It is actually two pages!  You can't really see all my notes, but I went through and made some notes as to when the last time was I weighed a certain number...so I can try to sort through my memories of how I felt at that weight back then and how much better it feels this time around after being so heavy.  Honestly, I never lost weight after I had my daughter in 2001....I was off and on prednisone for 2 years (I gained 20 pounds all together)...I think in the last 10 years I have yo-yo'd so much it just got to me in a bad way...not all the weight gain is from prednisone....I haven't taken that shit in at least 3 or 4 years now....some of it is me getting to a plateau in my weight loss and saying "FUCK IT" and I would go hog wild on food for a few weeks...some of it is having a good time with friends (and drankz, HEY!)....some of it is related to my back and my inability to move around (or so I told myself)....I am tired of being the fat friend, fat mom, fat wife and fat girl!  I hate the anxiety I get about running into people I went to HS with or even college and having that fear of "OMG, I just know they will tell everyone GUESS WHO GOT FAT!"  I know I am right....because I have been on the receiving end of that phone call a few times...I might laugh, poke a few jokes...but deep down it breaks my heart....even if it is some dumb bitch who was mean...mostly because I just wonder what people say about me.  I have tried to not give a shit....but I for some strange reason I value what others think of me...even if it has nothing to do with who I am as a person!  Anyway, I am rambling..

Here is my 8 week progress pic...which I am not going to share on instagram just yet...I have made wonderful progress and have showed some ladies...but I am just no ready to share it on my personal social media sites...as it is now I doubt anyone I know is reading my blog....  ;)

Poor fatty on the far left...she can't even fit in the whole frame!  LOL!  So, picture on the left was taken December 15-ish of 2012 at a whopping 247!  At this point my back was in such bad shape I had to sit down to get dressed, I had a hard time shaving my legs, even the motions of going to the bathroom was challenging to say the least....The picture in the middle was taken January 15-ish at 233.  This girl was having an easier time getting dressed, but underwear was still a task that had to be done sitting down...the picture on the left was taken Feb. 18th - at 226.9...Today I no longer need to sit to get dressed, shaving my legs is much easier and the only time I have pain in my back is getting up in the morning and after the gym. 

So, there you have it!  To some people it may not seem like much...especially if you have never really been heavy (and when I talk heavy, I am talking OVER 200 lbs...cause quite frankly I hate hearing people bitch about "I am so fat, I gained 3 pounds" when they barely weigh 130!).....I am proud of what I have accomplished so far....I can now jog for up to 15 min. on the treadmill, asthma and all.  I have never been a runner...never really tried!  I run in my first 5K on March 2nd and have already planned 3 more!  I love who I am becoming!

Random Thoughts on a Tuesday!

I struggle with coming up with interesting stuff to say....so, this is what I have been thinking about.

#1)  I am throwing a baby shower for one of my best friends this Saturday.  She suffers from Celiac's and I have to say to EVERYONE who eats Gluten Free...you are bad ass!  I struggled with the menu...shit, I still haven't finished making up the menu yet...Gluten is in E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!!!!!  I really don't want her to worry about what she can and can't eat...being pregnant is hard enough, I don't need her vomiting or shitting her pants on my watch.  So far, I am doing a Veggie Tray, Relish Tray, Gluten Free Ranch, Guacamole, Salsa, Tortilla Chips (which I have been told are Gluten Free....), Sandwich Bar (I will need to get a few different kinds of G.F. breads) Egg Salad, Tuna Salad....The cake will be G.F. thanks to another bestie who took care of hunting down a place that would do one....Oh, and I found a recipe for Mounds that is G.F.  I have an OCD habit of serving too much food then I am stuck grazing on it for a few days because I hate to waste food....I should be okay with just this, right? 

Here is a sample of all the crafting I started doing Sunday night....my hands hurt from cutting so many circles...I promise to post pictures of the finished set up!  I always love to look through party decor!

#2)  My 11 year old daughter has been driving me up the fucking wall....yesterday she talked to me for an HOUR about JUSTINFUCKINGBIEBER!  "Momma, did you know JB's fav color is purple.  Mine is purple too!"  "Momma, see these shoes...I want some cause they are JB's fav shoes"  "Mama, watch this video of JB's laughing!"  "Mama, watch this video of JB taking his jacket off"  OMFG!  I am trying REALLY hard to not consume alcohol anymore....once a month...but at the rate this has been going, it might be safer for her if I take back that rule....Her room is covered in JB posters...which doesn't bother me...I was a NKOTB fan and my room was waaaaaay worse. (insert old woman's voice here) But when I was a kid, we didn't have technology like this....I had to record the new kids on Oprah (nice to know that Oprah's name appears in Spell Check!  That is how you know you have made it, when your name appears in spell check!) on a VCR tape!  LOL!  And, my dad made me wait till he went to bed to watch it....I feel like a bad mom if I ignore her because she is an only child and she gets all butt hurt if I do!  Hence, if I was drunk I could ACT like I gave two shits!

#3)  My 13 year wedding anniversary is coming up in May....I am trying to be creative and surprise him!  I also would like to be down at least another 20 lbs...I have not worn sexy things since before I had my daughter....who is 11.  I want to be cute in clothes again....and sooner rather than later....  =D

Crock Potting!

I was making all my dinners in the crock pot - last week I tried to mix it up a bit and did salads and protein shakes.  I didn't lose any weight last week.  Went back to my crock pot meal plan and dropped 3 pounds over night.  I think this is the way to go for a while...at least until the weather is nicer and we can BBQ again. 

I made the BEST chicken noodle soup in the crock pot last night!  It was my first attempt at a homemade soup and I am in love!  Next week I think I am going to try a minestrone soup.  I have to share the recipe ~ I kinda just made it up after looking at a few different recipes.

1.5 pounds of chicken breast - cut into tiny bite sized pieces
1 cup of diced baby carrots
1 cup of diced celery
1/2 of an onion diced
1 cup of mushrooms, sliced
5 cloves of garlic, pressed
4 cups of low fat / low sodium chicken broth
4 tablespoons of Thyme
2 bay leaves
2 teaspoons of sea salt
1/2 bag of Egg Noodles

I combined all the ingredients (except the noodles) into a Ziplock freezer bag and pulled it out the night before I wanted to make it...put it in the crock pot for 8 hours.   I boiled the noodles when I got home from work and added it to the soup...PRESTO!  It makes 8 servings and each serving was around 180 calories...I wish I had a picture to share!  I am trying to think what else I can add to it for the next time I make it!  It was a hit with the husband...not so much the kid simply because of the veggies, but she ate it anyway!

Believe in Yourself!

This morning  as I was scrolling through my FB posts and getting caught up on the groups...someone posted a link to a video...  Now, I have seen the video before (I cried just as hard the second time around) and I have to share with you because this man is a TRUE inspiration!  I can relate to his "before" story somewhat.  I also want to have an amazing "ending" to my story as well..if you have a few minutes I encourage you to watch it, it will defiantly motivate you when you are feeling down and out!

WATCH IT HERE  ----->  Don't Ever GIVE UP!


I so needed this today!  A reminder to NEVER give up!  I have been struggling with my running...getting discouraged because I haven't been able to run any longer than 8 minutes all last week...breathing has been wacky and all my muscles feel like they just want to explode....I was having second thoughts about pressing forward.  I will finish up the C25K this week and I still can not run a mile with out stopping.  I haven't even attempted to run outside yet.  I was feeling like a cheater on the C25K program because when I tell people I am on week 8...well, I can't run the whole 25 minutes straight...and if I go back to week 7 I couldn't run the whole 22...but I went ahead to the next week when I should have repeated week 7 until I could do it.  So, even by moving on to week 9 and saying I finished the program...well, no I have not because I can not run a 5K like I should.

Well, instead of looking at what I can't do I need to look back and see how far I have come.  As far back as I can remember I have never ran for more than a few minutes at a time...and most definitely in the last 10 years no more than 90 seconds.  I have attempted C25K 3 times in the past 5 years and each time I gave up on week 3!  In October my back was so bad that walking for more than 20 minutes at a time would result in muscle spasms, pain and numbness.  Well, I don't have that problem anymore...and while I know I can commit to a solid 8 minutes of jogging on the treadmill....I have been able to go up to 15 minutes.  I have made progress...and just because it is not where I want it to be, I need to be PROUD of that and let that motivate me to keep moving forward!

Instead of finishing the program ~  I am going back to week 6.  I know I can complete week 6 so I am going to do it over.  And I will not move on from week 7 until I can do it!  I might need to create my own intervals....but gosh darn it!  I will be able to run at least 2 miles with out stopping.  I CAN DO IT! 

Kicking the Habit

So, I have been smoking since I was 23....I have tried to quit off and on over the past 10 years and it never sticks.  I have decided to quit AGAIN!  I want to quit, it is just so hard when everything pisses you off and you want to cut someone for breathing....I can't take the irratability factor.  I am not a pleasant person to be around.  The last time I tried quitting my daughter screamed "NO...MOMMY, you CAN'T quit!  You are so cranky!"  I am not going to lie, I really enjoy smoking in a social setting...if I could just be a casual smoker that would be great.  But, I need to do this to be able to run better!

Last night I had a "Come to Jesus" with myself while I was struggling on the treadmill.  I have asthma, so that makes it hard enough to run....but I know that by quitting it will make it a little bit easier.  Spring is also around the corner and that is when my asthma gets crazy and if I want to start running outdoors I need to make some serious changes.  So, come Monday (I always start everything on a Monday!) I will be ditching the cigarettes for an e-cig to start.  I have tried Chantix = that gave me the CAH-RAZIEST dreams and every time I would get a whiff of cigarette smoke I would want to vomit!  It was worse than Morning Sickness!  I tried the Patches = Itchy arm and I felt like I was on crack the first few hours of putting one on then wanted to throw up again...and that was the lowest dose!  I have tried the gum = burning sensation in the back of the throat and it tastes like shit!  So, the e-cig it is!  The longest I have ever gone was 8 months....

So, I foresee some blog posts in the future letting out some frustrations due to Nicotine withdrawals...and also imagine it will make the weight loss journey a bit tougher...but I have been at it for 2 months now and have a routine in place.  I will make myself a "Honey-Do" list and when I get the urge to smoke I will work my way down that list!

The Difference 20 lbs can make!

I hit the 20 lb. loss mark on Friday!  Looking in the mirror I didn't really see a difference.  So, I decided to try on a few items of clothing.  The first thing I tried on was a top, which the last time I tried it on was in the summer and it made me cry.  I cried because I could not get it over my belly and the summer before that shirt fit perfectly fine.  I cried because I could not believe that I had got that big to where a SHIRT wouldn't fit!  I pulled that top out and stared at it....I had to tell myself to not get disappointed if it didn't fit...and after I promised myself ....I tried it on!  This damn shirt made me cry AGAIN!  But this time I cried because IT FIT!  I was so happy that I stopped there and wore that shirt to work!  When my darling husband came home he showed me a picture he had taken of me in August.  He said "Honey, look at this picture!"  It was hideous!  My face was so fat, I look like Petunia Pig!  So, I had him forward that picture to me...and I took a picture of myself (wearing that shirt that likes to make me cry like a little sissy!) and put them next to each other!  The difference was unbelievable!  I posted it and got lots of compliments!  Friday was my day!  My husband said my face was so much skinnier...and my body was following!

So, the photo on the left was taken in August 2012.  The right was taken Friday, Feb, 1st 2013!  BIG DIFFERENCE!  So, Saturday comes around and I decided to go into my spare closet and pull out some jeans I have not been able to wear in at least 2 years.  I picked out 3 pairs - all have sentimental value - and guess what!  THEY ALL FIT!  I have to admit that I do have a bit of a muffin top ~ but I wore a pair and since I have been so use to hiding muffin top I figured "screw it"! 

Then Superbowl Sunday came...it was just the three of us at home but they wanted some snacks.  So did I!  So, I bought some Whole Wheat Sourdough bread, spinach dip, some spicy crab dip, salsa...made guacamole, had tortilla chips & crackers and a small veggie tray...oh, I also bought some cute 49er cookies...there was only 4 in the tray!  I skipped lunch and dinner and grazed all day and even had a beer...then, had a sandwich before bed!  Old habits die hard!  That was a total fat girl move.  I feel like crap today!  I did run 3 miles on Sunday so I am sure that even though in my head I was over doing it on the food....the scale shouldn't be too bad.  I didn't weigh myself this morning cause I felt like crap and didn't need to see the gain.  It is noon and I still have heart burn from yesterday.  N.E.V.E.R.A.G.A.I.N.!  I feel like going home and going to bed!  I could only imagine what I would feel like if I grazed on pizza, cookies, candy, Doritos and other common party foods...blah!  I must remember this feeling when I go to my friends' daughters' party next Saturday....

On another side note....Saturday was my W7D1 of C25K!  This week is running for 22 minutes.  I was able to do 15 minutes!  I walked for 3 minutes and then ran the last 4 minutes plus a minute of the cool down!  Sunday I did a Virtual Superbowl 5K!  Last one I did it took me almost 64 minutes...

My time Sunday was 59:48!  I shave a little over 4 minutes off...I wasn't even trying!  I was doing intervals...jog for 2 songs, walk for 1 song....and while the treadmill was a lying whore and said I barely burned 250 calories...thank the LORD I remembered to wear my body bugg....cause I burned a little over 600 calories!  I was trying to stay in the fat burning zone for my heart rate....I highly suggest that if you don't have something that can track your calories burned like a fitbit, polar or a body bugg...GET ONE!  It is well worth the investment!





One Day at a Time!

Went to the gym last night and finished week 6 of C25K!  Day 3 is a solid 22 minute run.  I pushed past my 10 minute wall and went to 12!  I was so proud of my self.  I finished off the last 10 minutes with a 1 min walk/ 3 min jog!  It felt great to creep up past 10!  I had a big smile on my face.  I start week 7 Friday or Saturday...so stay tuned!

In other news, I am always willing to try new fruits and veggies.  I bought this puppy at the store on Sunday and decided I was going to eat it after I got home from the gym.  It is called a Red Plummelo. 

Unless it is at a farmers market (which I don't even know what region these are local to) I won't be buying one again.  Once I got past the inch thick skin...it was so dehydrated!  No juice at all!  So, that tells me it was probably frozen.  I sucked on a few pieces...it was actually really sweet!  I was super bummed that it was so dry inside.  I will admit I am a little more daring when it comes to trying fruit...I need to start venturing out with some veggies too.  Last week I made Brussel Sprouts for the first time!  Can you believe at my age that I have NEVER had them!  I found this great recipe on pinterest....they were a hit!

So, I challenge you to try at least one new veggie and fruit a month...don't let the name scare you!  xoxo

I will be a runner!

I have been trying to find the time to blog...my life has seriously become so busy. 

As I said before, I am an asthmatic and suffer from osteoarthritis in my back.  I never really tried to run before.  Let me rephrase that - I never "wanted" to run - I tried the C25K program but never made it far.  I start week 7 today!  Only 2 more weeks left and I am still in shock that I have made it this far.  No, I can't run the full 22 minutes yet...I can do a solid 5-8, sometimes I can make it to 10!  Tonight, I am going to MAKE myself at least get to 11!  Baby steps, right?  Of course, if at first you don't succeed, try again!

I use to get discouraged because I THOUGHT I couldn't do it.  It may take me a while to be able to run a full mile ~ but I will achieve this goal! 

Here are some tips I have learned over the past 2 months that have helped me get focused and enjoy "being a runner"!

1) Shoes are VERY important. I suggest going to get fitted! I dropped $140 on a pair the guy recommended and they are worth every penny. Now, if you can't get fitted you need to go up ONE size! That's right, ONE WHOLE SIZE. Your feet swell and expand the longer you run...if you don't go up the size the shoes will cause your feet to burn, ache and blister! I like shoes with a wider toe box and since I have bad ankles I like there to be interior support on the sole. I purchased the Brooks - Glycerin!

2)  Do not wear cotton socks...they are one of the main causes for blisters!  This I did not know!

3)  Start off at a slow pace...I jog slower than I walk...but it allows me to be able to breathe.  Once I finish the C25K at my current speed (3.2-3.4) I will start it over outside OR at a higher speed.  Also, if you try to go too fast you can get shin splints.  Shin splints can also be caused from leaning into your run.  Try to keep your back straight and relax...keep your hands open.  When you clinch your fists it causes other muscles to tense up...R.E.L.A.X.

4)  Don't get discouraged if you have a bad day.  Suck it up and repeat that day over tomorrow or the next!  Just keep pushing forward!  Don't let your inner fat kid win!

And last - keep a journal of your runs...I have not been doing this.  I am going to start.  I notice that on days I don't drink enough water I have a hard time breathing.  I also notice if I ate shit the night before I feel heavier on the treadmill!  If you have a great day take notice of what you ate the day before and what you ate the day of as well!  Same goes for a bad day....I am sure there are more pointers out there from people who are really good at running.  I am just a beginner....and for people who are like me I know these little steps will help. 

Catch Up

So, I started my journey in November 2012!  As mentioned in my first post, October of 2012 was my heaviest.  I started out with Atkins for a few weeks ~ lost 7 pounds.  Thanksgiving week and the week after I totally pigged out!  I did Atkins for my husbands sake but soon realized that it is probably the hardest diet for me to stay on.

Around the beginning of December I joined a group of women that inspired me, empowered me and I snapped!  If these women can do it, why can't I?  I read through the posts in this group for HOURS...and finally I got it!  Its not about a number on the scale, its not about doing what everyone else is doing...It is about ME!  What works for ME!  What doesn't work for ME!  So, I signed up on myfitnesspal so I could have a place to log in my food and dug my body bugg out of its hiding spot and got to work!

On December 15th I began the couch to 5K program!  I had attempted to do this at least 4 times before in the past 10 years but NEVER made it past the 3rd week.  Today - I am on week 6!  I had to repeat week 3 over because it is at that point the running time increases...but I concentrated on breathing.  For me the scariest thing is not being able to breathe.  Today ~ I can go about 8 to 10 minutes at a time and if you knew me, you would know that is a HUUUUUUUGE accomplishment!  This is all on the treadmill at a speed of 3.2-3.4.  I know I can walk faster but my focus right now is breathing.  Once I complete it on the treadmill I will take it to the outdoors.  I have been trying to run outside on Saturdays...but the weather isn't always friendly.  I can NOT make it longer than 90 seconds at a time right now...but I know my pace is much faster outside.  I will conquer it!

So far, I have lost 18 pounds.  It has been SLOW!  But that is okay!  I am not really focusing on weighing and measuring my food at the moment...just cooking healthier and as clean as possible.  I know that I will eventually need to start doing this but I have to tackle one thing at a time...and right now that is just not it.  Besides, I am suppose to eat 1700 calories a day....I pretty know by sight what some portions look like and always add a little extra in the diary to account for not measuring/weighing...Another couple weeks and I will probably be at a good point to start.  Also, I am trying to focus on water.  I hate drinking water!  It has no taste!  I still am having my lowcarb Monster in the a.m. (that is my coffee)...but try to get in the min. 64 oz. 

So, as soon as I hit 20 pounds I will post a before and after along with some measurements so anyone who might be reading can compare and hopefully find some inspiration.  I am totally that girl that people say "If SHE can do, so can I!"  Also, since I am a mom I will post about food.  I have been crock potting for three weeks to allow me more time for running.  Tonight, I am going to join a gym!  I am scared as hell because right now I am THAT girl that all those meat head/bimbos like to poke fun at....and I don't like that feeling...which is why I have avoided the gym for 10 years.  I am inching up on 40 yrs. and I will be damned if I will look like the stay puff marshmallow dude!  I am not trying to go out on the town and be a cougar...I am happily married going on 13 years and we have a beautiful daughter who is 11 yrs old.  But I want to teach my daughter some good habits and show her that hard work pays off.  I also want to be feel GOOD about myself and get my confidence back!  I wanna be a frickin ROCKSTAR!

Surgery is Cheating!

Where to start! 

I have been trying to start this blog for a little over 3 months...but not losing in the beginning caused me to keep deleting it.  Since October of 2012 I have lost 16.8 pounds and I finally feel like I have accomplished something.  In fact, I have accomplished quite a bit in the last few months thanks to 2 awesome friends and a wonderful group of ladies going through the same journey.

My journey is unique...as is everyone's.  I am an asthmatic and I also have osteoarthritis in my L2-L5 and T12 along with my left hip.  Those two things created a "I can't do that" attitude over the past 10 years.  In October I was at my heaviest and went to the Dr. because I had been in so much pain with my back that I couldn't take it anymore.  It was so bad I couldn't put on my underwear standing up!  I could BARELY shave my legs in the shower!  I had to learn to wipe sitting on the toilet!  And that is just the surface of how bad the pain was...that was everyday pain.  When it would flare up things were much worse.  My Dr. asked if I would be interested in Gastric Bypass...I cried.  1) Because I had no idea I was even heavy enough to be considered for the surgery and 2) because I would finally lose the weight with out having to ANYTHING!  Thats right, I didn't want to move my body...for fear of pain, for fear of alot of little things...Long story short, I was told I needed to gain about 5 - 10 more pounds before I could qualify (Red Tape that HMO's lay before you) as well as go through counseling and shit.  So even if I gained the weight there was a chance I still wouldn't get it done.  Then I heard a voice of a friend...a conversation a group of us mutual friends had about the surgery.  I still don't agree 100% with the attitude or opinions of everyone...but I heard the voice say "Surgery is cheating!"  Then it hit me!  YES, it is cheating...I am not a cheater!  I cried because I had got my hopes up...  I needed a kick in the ass!  And my friends voice calling me a cheater (not literally) was that kick in the ass!  I just chose not to listen to it before.

My buddy shared her little support group with me....and that day changed my life.  Seeing all the before and after pics of all these women (Some heavier than me) who busted ass to change!  In December I set out on a mission.
So, I have decided to FINALLY get this blog up...if no one reads it then at least I have my journey documented and can have something to be proud of!