So, I am up 3 pounds from last week...no biggie...I am still under my plateau number and I know why I am up. This week has sucked balls for the most part and I have managed to push off the emotional eating up until last night!
Due to a very tight budget I had to modify my grocery list for the week which left us eating cheaper, unhealthy foods....well, sort of...we had whole wheat pasta, tacos, stir fry and instead of going to the grocery store last night I opted for the "I don't feel like cooking - lets eat out" and had Taco Bell. Then today for lunch I ate a Turkey BLT and a small side of fries and COMPLETELY skipped breakfast. I am already getting the "I don't want to go to the gym tonight" blues as well....
I got word yesterday that my dad, who has been really sick lately, had some x-rays of his lungs done as a follow up from a recent hospital stay and they found a black spot. My mind immediately goes to "FUCK - It's cancer!!!!" He already has emphysema and a flat diagram....COPD....smokes at least 2 packs a day...so of course this is where my mind goes! He gets chest x-rays done alot because of his pre-existing conditions so we already know what it is not.
Anyways...I am really struggling with this for a few different reasons. I lost my mom in 2004 to a sudden and massive stroke....and my MIL lives over 10 hours away and my dad is really the only grandparent my daughter has ever known...she spends lots of time at his house and just loves him! I am not ready to deal with a grieving kid just yet! My grandpa (dad's dad) passed at 64 years of cancer and my uncle passed recently...also in his early sixties of cancer too...my dad is 61 and with a family medical history like his the outlook is grim. So, mentally I am preparing myself for the worst...I will get my grieving process started so I can hold my shit together if/when the time comes....I also will have my grandmother to take care of when this all happens, she has dementia and is 93 and I swear she will live forever! I use to joke with my dad that she would probably out live all of us....looks like that might just happen! I am also a Daddy's girl and the thought of not having him around anymore just breaks my heart...but I also know he is very sick and I have seen him struggle to breathe more this past year than I see myself struggling and I have asthma...he can't even make it up and down his stairs. He is so damn stubborn that he refuses to give up smoking even though he knows it is killing him...he just has no desire for life and that hurts even more! I have tried EVERYTHING in the book to change his outlook on life. *sigh*
I have a party to go tomorrow and Saturday so I know I will go over my calories anyway so I am not trippin - I have still been working out and doing good on that front. I am trying to keep going because normally I would just go home and go to bed and sleep until the next day so I wouldn't have to think about it.
I am so glad I have quit smoking and am making healthy changes, I don't ever want my family to have to watch me suffer like my dad is....I don't want to see them suffer emotionally over my poor choices and unhealthy lifestyle either so this motivates me to keep going in my quest for just an overall healthy state of living.
Hug your loved ones ~ you never know when it is going to be their last day, or yours.
XOXO
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